If you are a typical consumer — defined as "a consumer whose mail consists mainly of offers for credit cards that he or she already has"— chances are sooner or later you're going to have a dispute with a large company. You're going to call the company up, and you're going to wind up speaking with people in a department with a friendly name such as "Customer Service". These people hate you. I don't mean they hate you in particular. They hate the public in general, because the public is forever calling them up to complain.
I know what I'm talking about. I used to be — I am not proud of this — a newspaper editor. This was at a paper called — I am not proud of this, either — "Local News". We came out daily, and we specialized in local news. For example, if Richard M. Nixon resigned the job of president, we'd send reporters out to the shopping mall to bother shoppers into having an opinion about this event, and our big headline would be LOCAL RESIDENTS REACT TO NIXON LEAVING THE WHITE HOUSE, as though they really were reacting to it, as opposed to trying to find a dress or shirt in the right color. This is basically how we handled all news (LOCAL RESIDENTS REACT TO DISCOVERY THAT MOSQUITOS MATE FOR LIFE).So one spring day I made the decision to put a photograph of some local ducks on the front page. At least I thought they were ducks, and that's what I called them in the text. But it turns out that they were geese. I know this because a WHOLE lot of irritated members of the public called to tell me so. They never called about, say, the quality of the schools, but they were ANGRY about the duck and goose issue. It was almost as bad as when we left out the cartoons.
I tried explaining to the callers that, hey, basically a goose is just a big duck, but this did not satisfy them. Some of them demanded that we publish an explanation to make things right (For whom? The geese?), and by the end of the day I was convinced that the public consisted entirely of people with zero intelligence.This is what people who answer the phone at, for example, the electric company, go through every day. I don't mean that they get calls about incorrectly labeled goose photographs, although this would not surprise me. I mean that they get an endless stream of calls from people who are extremely upset that their electricity got turned off just because they failed to pay their bill for 297 months, or people asking questions like "is it OK to operate an electric appliance while taking a bath?".
So let's say that you have a genuine problem with your electric bill. The people in "Customer Service" have no way of knowing that you're an intelligent, rational person. They're going to lump you in with the usual not-so-bright public. As far as they're concerned, the relevant facts, in any dispute between you and them, are these:1.They have a bunch of electricity.
2.You need it. 3.So shut up. 
So is there any way that you, the lowly consumer, can gain the serious attention of a large and powerful business? I am pleased to report that there IS a way, which I found out about thanks to an alert reader who sent me a news report from Russia. According to this report, a Russian electric company got into a dispute with a customer and cut off the customer's electricity. This customer, however, happened to be a unit of the Russian Army. So the commander ordered a tank to drive over to the electric company's office and aim its gun at the windows. The electricity was turned right back on.
On behalf of consumers everywhere, I want to kiss this military commander on the lips. I mean, what a GREAT concept. Imagine, as a consumer, how much more seriously your complaint would be taken if you were complaining from inside a vehicle capable of reducing the entire "Customer Service" department to tiny smoking pieces. What I am saying is: Forget the Automated Phone Answering System. Get a tank.Perhaps you are thinking: "But a tank costs several million dollars, not including floor mats. I don't have that kind of money."
Don't be silly. You're a consumer, right? You have credit cards, right?Perhaps you are thinking: "Yes, but how am I going to pay the credit-card company?"
Don't be silly. You have a tank, right?Words: 930
